“You can build a house out of anything. Make it strong as you want. But a home is more fragile than that. A home is made of the people you fill it with. And people can be broken, sure. But any surgeon knows, what’s broken can be mended. What’s hurt can be healed. That no matter how dark it gets, the sun’s going to rise again.” -Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy)
5:30. The alarm starts ringing. I wake up, drink my coffee, workout. I go through my day on autopilot. Throwing a smile on my face, going through the movements of life.
Take the kids to school.
Pick them up.
Tuck them in.
Kiss them goodnight.
The same song and dance, day in and day out. To the outside world, everything is fine. There’s a smile on my face and most days I seem happy enough. But inside I’m screaming, waiting for the chance to break down. Waiting for the chance to be alone, so no one can see the truth. Because the truth is less pretty.
The past few years have been hard. A constant fight. Life trying to knock me down, keep me there…pinned under the darkness. For every fight I win, every fight I get back up, there are 5 that I lose. I’m broken and battered, not sure how to make it through the day, week, or month.
Get knocked down.
Fight some more.
But I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of working so hard, trying so hard, only to get knocked back down. And so, my life is on autopilot. My response to anyone asking how I am is always “fine” or “just tired.” Most days I feel like a robot while the real me…the me I love…is slipping down further into the darkness.
And the thing about the darkness? It’s easy to let it consume you, let it win. We get hurt and get tired of being hurt which leads to anger. And it’s really easy to let that anger consume us like a fire burning inside, no way to put it out. And truth be told, we don’t want to put it out. The anger protects us from the hurt. And the hurt is too hard to deal with right now.
People can be broken. I am broken. But, I’m learning, that sometimes it’s better to let go of the anger. To heal ourselves and work towards putting those broken pieces back together. With hope and love, family and friends the broken pieces can be gathered up and pieced together. The broken can be mended, the hurt can be healed.
We may not look exactly like we did before we were broken. There will be scars and fractures. But we learn from the hurt and that helps us become stronger.
To all who feel broken…Know you are not alone. You are never alone.
Keep Fighting ❤️