I didn’t think it would happen this way. And maybe I should start at the beginning.
The kids started school yesterday. All 3 kids. At the same school. One drop-off. One pick-up. And 7 glorious hours of peace and quiet. & glorious hours of being able to write and get projects done, jobs completed. To read…in silence.
I’ve been dreaming of this day for probably the last year. Ready for the quiet house, to write to my heart’s content without interruption. Because my normal day is kid’s talking to me nonstop, always needing something and just when I think they couldn’t need anything else, one comes up and says that word that can sometimes make your heart so proud and yet also make you cringe…”Mom.”
Because we all know they come to you as soon as you have an idea in your head or if you’re in the middle of working on a job that has a very strict deadline. Or right after you sit down.
And so, I’ve been savoring this moment. My first day of complete silence. To come and go as I please and get some much needed work done. To start living my life for me instead of always for the kids.
And it was the worst thing ever.
Yes, you read that right. I hated every minute of it. Those 7 hours lasted a lifetime. I sat down to write and couldn’t come up with a damn thing. Tried to read but couldn’t stay focused on the page. I was constantly worrying and wondering about the kids…were they having a good day. And OF COURSE the day before kindergarten starts, Connor falls off the play thing at the park and takes a chunk out of his cheek. So I was worried about that all day too.
Worried. Stressed. Anxious. And nothing on my entire to-do list got done. That’s apparently how much I love silence. It seems after 3 kids and 11 years of parenting, I’ve become uncomfortable with silence. Almost as though I crave the noise and chaos of it all. Without it, I feel empty. I’ve quickly gone from craving the kids being in school to counting down the minutes until I can pick them up.
I’ve found comfort in the chaos. And somehow, I get more done with constant noise and chaos than silence. Because this silence, it’s killing me.
And I really thought I was crazy for wishing my tiny hurricanes home so soon. But I think it’s really normal. I think that we crave the silence and savor it while we have it but after a bit, we miss the noise and the chaos. And we realize just how lucky we are to have those kids in our lives.